chapters of me, anyone listening?
I sit with the words, here, not here. Curious if it would be noticed if not here is where I was. To be no more, what is remembered? What is left behind? Bits of treasure I accumulated meaning naught to anyone, soon to be placed where dumpster diving could reveal something for someone somewhere, perhaps a hidden treasure. What is right for me may have no importance to another, that’s okay, it is why you are you and I am me.
I birthed two amazing sons, sent off into the world to live their lives, I smile, I did well by each one. They know they were loved greatly.
Life is a chosen journey to be here on earth, to walk to learn to grow to die, it is a rather simple step by step process is it not? Until tragedy, pain, loss, heartbreak and heartache step in, here one may wish to step out early. Until reprieve steps in to say, remember the love, remember love.
My word for this year of 2024 was, still is actually, reciprocal. Curious word, someone questioned if it was a word for anchoring in the framework of a year, how would you build off of ‘reciprocal’? I smiled, my love for words is my anchor, each moment each day I wake. Any word is available when you love words, the word will define its meaning along the days of the new year. I was correct. The understanding of reciprocal revealed its depth in the month of November, took awhile with many hints along the way, I smiled knowing answers would arrive.
My deepening love for art, photography, nature, moved beyond the confines of limited school definitions. Life opened me to my why for this love, art healed me. It was art that offered words, art offered me nature, art offered me colors to explore. Tragedy held me from day one, entering this world just over 2 months early, at a time where nicu was a far reaching distant dream yet undreamed. I survived. Told I was stubborn from day one, knowing me now, this does not surprise me. Art offered me avenues to express love, what I felt within, starting with words asking to be expressed. Starting a week following my sister’s death, I was a junior in high school. This was just the beginning of words talking to me. Opening me. And I soon realized they have a language unique to me, expressing in a way one may need to decipher what it was, I was really trying to say. I smile, those who have known me through my years, will attest to this fact. Especially my sons. Interestingly, one received a degree in creative writing, you are quite welcome my son, happy to encourage this direction, I say with a smile.
Tragedy was a day to day event in my life growing up. Long stories, each a separate chapter or two, maybe one day I will share if of course I choose here, not, not here. Here, not here, have been frequent guests in my space. Opening me to ask questions. Starting with seeking my why for being. Early age, 10, 11 perhaps, I was curious about the word, seeker. Always wondering what it meant really, beyond an answer of what I seek.
Third grade I had a teacher I loved, having moved many times I learned the teachers that loved their work, held compassion for their student. Even the transient ones as I was referred to going school to school to school, at times, 3 schools in one year. This teacher was writing on the chalk board, I was sitting close, up front on the floor, she got 2 maybe 3 letters made and I hollered ‘truck’. Nope, no hand in the air, just hollered. Teacher smiled looking at me, not mad, simply saying, please wait until I am done writing then raise your hand. I remember smiling and answering, okay. By the way, I was right, it was truck.
Early on spelling and words were fast friends for me. Moving so much, friends were non-existent, new kids interrupting a classroom were not received well. My teachers would ask if I would like to be in spelling bees, not sure what this was, I said of course, I was not one typically being invited to activities in school. I did very well sounding out words, I came in second, I smiled. Winning didn’t matter to me, win lose, I was not someone seen by others. I was an outsider observing. Last at being chosen for teams, ignored in classes, I observed.
remember to smile, keeps everyone guessing … Nancy
NBS 11.10.24
